Testimony of Paul DeVera: From Trauma and Suicide to Freedom in Christ
I attempted suicide seven times for different reasons. Looking back, I realize that my struggles began in childhood. I was a bright student, and I was always expected to excel.
The Hidden Crisis of Suicide
According to the World Health Organization, around 750,000 people attempt suicide each year worldwide. Among young people, it is the second leading cause of death. For some, like me, suicide felt like the only escape from the pressures of life.
A Life of Perfection and Fear
My mother never meant harm, but I felt immense pressure to be perfect—perfect grades, perfect performance, never a mistake. I would be scolded if I came home with a low score on the quiz. I thought this was helping me, making me stronger. But in reality, it made me terrified of failure.
By Grade 4, I placed third instead of first in school rankings. That moment filled me with fear and shame. I believed I would be punished, humiliated, or seen as a failure. I grew up in a competitive environment, and my family always celebrated my achievements. I was always expected to be the best.
At a young age, I was already exposed to the idea of suicide through movies and TV dramas. One night, overwhelmed by emotions, I climbed onto my bed, tied a cloth around my neck, and jumped—thinking that was all it took.
The rod I tied it to broke, and I fell. My family rushed in, panicked. But what struck me was not their fear—my mother hugged me for the first time and told me she loved me. That moment changed something in me.
Suicide Became an Escape
From then on, I saw suicide as both an escape and a way to gain attention. Whenever I felt overwhelmed, ashamed, or powerless, I thought of ending my life. Even though I grew up in a Christian home—where I memorized Bible verses and went to church—my self-worth was fragile. I saw my life as disposable, my failures as unbearable.
I was also caught up in my parents’ conflicts at home. As the eldest child, I often played referee during their fights. One night, in desperation, I even grabbed a knife—first against my father, then against myself. The chaos in my home only deepened my belief that life was unbearable.
Isaiah 41:10
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
A Life-Changing Invitation
Everything began to change in high school. Some classmates invited me to a science camp, and I felt a sense of freedom for the first time. My mother was hesitant but allowed me to go.
Little did I know that camp would lead me to a genuine encounter with God, which showed me I was loved not for my achievements but simply because I was His child.
Psalm 34:18
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit.”
TESTIMONY OF JACKIE HILL PERRY.
Finding Hope and Healing
I realized that perfection was never God’s requirement—only faith and surrender. Suicide was not the answer, and neither was seeking approval from others. I finally understood:
Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Through God’s grace, I found healing. The pressure to be perfect no longer controlled me. My family slowly changed, and I learned to forgive, heal, and live purposefully.
