Will God still love me even if I am gay and Christian?
Lito grew up with an abusive Father who was a drunkard and into drugs. They were poor and with eight siblings, life was hard. His mother ran a modest beauty parlor at their house. He was sexually abused at the age of six by different men who were neighbors and relatives. He kept to himself what to him was a dark and a shameful secret.
My secret Christian life
I heard the gospel at 14 through my teacher and began serving in a Christian fellowship. Church activities distracted my homosexual tendencies but as an adult, my hidden desire for the same sex eventually gave in to a gay lifestyle, one sin at a time. I served in church but later had sex with another man. I could not help it.
I taught Math and before the class begins, I would share a short devotional to encourage students in their walk with God. I was sincere. I thought I could mix the gay lifestyle with serving God, but guilt struck me each time. I got tired of my own double standard and soon enough, I stopped going to church and no longer inspired others to come to Christ.
I let go, but God did not
Seven years later, my friend invited me to Christ Commission Fellowship (CCF). After years of seclusion away from God, I got tired of searching for Mr. Right who I thought would fill the void in my heart.
The gay lifestyle did not give me the true life and happiness I was looking for. Only God can fill my loneliness. The Pastor I met in CCF encouraged me and said, God can still work mightily in my rotten life if only I would truly surrender everything to Jesus. I joined a small group and sought help. They prayed intently for me and I began to see the love of Jesus through them.
The love that I have been longing for, I found through other Christians who did not judge or condemn me. God never gave up on me.
If God loves me, why this?
I was active again in church and became a group leader. I’ve never felt more loved by God and friends than I did before. In 2015, I suffered from pneumonia which quickly developed into tuberculosis. I knew I had to take a special blood test that I feared the most. Like a death sentence, the test confirmed I was HIV positive.
I questioned God, if you really love me, you would have stopped me from committing sin and getting the virus.
I used to be strong and active, but the virus kept me to the lowest point where I couldn’t even stand. My weight fell from 80 to 35 kilos, I could barely eat. I was hospitalized for the first time in my life. I was hopeless, but there’s hope in God. My church family helped in finances but more importantly, their prayers sustained me. I took four months of leave from work with no income, but God provided.
From time to time, my vitals would fall. It’s God’s way of reminding me, I need Him, and until my time is up, I see the grace of Jesus each day.
God’s grace abounds
I believe the virus has been in my body years earlier, but it did not progressed to full-blown AIDS. My body is responding well to ARV drugs (antiretroviral), unlike others where the drugs eventually become ineffective and they die miserably.
I am now back to the same load of teaching and my situation made me closer to my family, especially with my mom. I was even able to take her to attend CCF worship. The Bible say “
I was blind but now I see ( John 9:25). Although I abused God’s grace, in truth, His grace and love have always abounded. “God’s law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant,” Romans 5:20.